Low points

I turned 25 on 8 February 2015. It was my first birthday outside India. Nikhil got a chocolate cake with some margarita. He gave me a card and teddy bear with a bouquet. We went to the mall and then I bought things. My birthday started at midnight IST and ended at midnight PST.

Anyway, thats that. Let me be honest. I am in possibly the worst mood tonight. My room is in a mess. I feel dishonorable and utterly useless. I am listening to old songs of Mahesh Bhatt movies. I have reached my lowest point where I want to shut everybody out and just roast in my own apathy.

I have desisted to write but I guess I have to for I have no choice but to write it all down. The thing is that nobody likes a sad person. The question is why am I sick of everything.

I do not have a job I hate doing. I have zero responsibility. I am supposed to have the time of my life but I just want to run. The problem is I can't run that much because my iron levels are running really low. I am not even feigning interest in whatever others are saying. You know that feeling when you are in a party with friends but do not feel like talking to anybody? You don't get it, right?

Too bad! I am not in a mood to elaborate.

Grab a Doughnut

Probably the only person who would be happy enough to read my blogpost today would be my husband. I am married. Yes, I am.

The months, which went by, made me feel a lot of emotions such as love, nostalgia, sadness, excitement, adventure and happiness. It also gave me a realization more than ever, that life gives you different opportunities to start over, to begin a new story in its own twisted ways.

There is something else I realized, everyday when we wake up we have two choices. The choices being to "love" and to "fear". It bottles down to these two feelings. I won't say "hope". I feel that hope is too much of a beggar. It wants others to do a favor. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't but between our choice of "love" and "fear", there is no dependence on the outside. I want us to value that choice. Between both, I choose "love".

I have a reason. I want to confess. I don't want to choose "fear" because it has this uncanny ability to engulf you up. I have a purely metaphorical scientific reason behind it. We all have eyes. They certainly help us see, but they also act as "projectors". We project the world in a certain way and if you choose "fear", get ready to get more of it. The feeling of "fear" not only creates a ripple of unprecedented scare but it also makes you somebody who makes decisions based on it. It makes you want to do a job you do not like doing. It makes you want to marry for convenience. It makes you want to steal the happiness of others for no reason at all. It is like being that character on the stage who is scared of taking chances, who is scared of taking risks. The sad truth about that is that nobody in the audience likes that man, they merely tolerate it and wait for that moment when that person becomes bold. While you are on your death bed, you will have your dreams, your talents coming to you and asking you, that "we came to you. Why did you show us the door? We wanted you to make us alive? Why did you pull away? Now with you we will die too, but a death far more morose than you because no one is going to moan for us."

I have no reasons to choose "love". It is probably because it helps in the process of taking a leap of "faith" and not "hope". It probably wants you think of the difference you want to make to this world. It probably makes you do things you did not know you were capable of. I was scared of cooking. When I entered US, I simply was rattled by the fact that I will have to cook on my own now. When I started out, I was terrible. I treated it like a chore, not something we like to do everyday. After a while I decided to not hate it and embrace it. I started looking at YouTube videos and blogs about Indian cooking. My relationship has somewhat changed with cooking. I have started liking it very much and now I laugh at my cooking disasters. It has become a friend in this foreign world which gets messed up many times but is the most delightful company many a times. Love helps to bring the choice of "acceptance" to another level. You don't accept or tolerate things anymore. You begin to embrace them and look them in to the eye and say "I will not leave you because you are complicated. Let me learn about you a little everyday and understand you better. Who knows, we might end up having a relationship with each other forever." 

Just like the fact we cannot forcefully start loving somebody its the same with things. I am not saying start doing what you love. It is irrational but isn't that a flaw in every Economic theory one will ever read. 

So in the end I have not taken any choice, but I have put my trust in a leap of faith. Catch me if I fall or well, at least get a doughnut by then.